Just when I thought the progression had slowed down he has developed more problems. Not any we have dealt with before so we are once again starting from scratch and learning how to take care of something new. When we got in from church today he needed to urinate but couldn't he pushed and pushed. It really hurt him and no matter how he pushed he only got a few drops out. So he gave up and I went to take a nap. When I came back he had peed all over himself. He said he tried to wait but it just came out. We changed his clothes and a short time later he said he had to pee again. So I went over with the urinal and the same problem occurred. A short time later he had urinated on himself again. We are not sure what is going on but he is hurting again so we will be doing a Doctor's visit in the morning and start the testing to figure out what is going on this time.
You know this is one strange illness. There are so many problems that come from it and many of them can kill you. You never know what it will be. There is a list as long as your arm that can cause problems/death. As I was laying in my bed next to him earlier this week I woke up terrified. Not a little scared but that fear induced trembling and just wouldn't stop. I was so scared and I laid there and listened trying to figure out what had caused it. There was nothing wrong in the house so I prayed and tried to relax. As I laid there I realized that one day I will feel that and he will be gone. I realized then that I really don't want to wake up next to a dead husband and thought to myself how selfish I am. But I just can't stand the ideal of him dying there next to me and me not able to do anything about it. How awful that will be but it will happen maybe not today or tomorrow. Probably not even next week or next month but it is in our future. So what do I do? How will I get thru this? Not even this but how will I get thru the ideal of him dying. I will do just like I have been doing for months. I will put one foot in front of the other. I will put on my I am okay face and I will stand strong for as long as Dan needs me too. And if he dies in our bed I will know that he was not alone which in my mind is way worse than anything I can imagine. So whatever this problem is and whatever I have to do to help him thru it I will do it because that is what you do when you love someone. Yes, I know this post has been more of a downer than I usually post but today has been hard and it was time to post and I am trying to post every Sunday, Scheduling helps I have found. So I am sticking to it. I will probably post something more uplifting or helpful later in the week.