Sunday, August 9, 2015

I am no longer me

I have found out so many bad things about myself in the midst of all this.  I have very little patience for whiners.  I can't understand people who do not speak clearly (I think this is because I don't hear well or at least I hope so),  I can't drive a wheel chair.  Today after church I caught Dan's hands between the door and his wheel chair.  No matter what I do it will never be enough.  No one and I repeat no one Loves Dan as much as I do!
     This week has been awful for many of the reasons some I listed above but mostly because our CNA's are gone.  One went back to college and the other messed up her knee so we have replacements for one and nothing for the other.  The 2 replacements CNA's have been terrible! I can't believe the things they have done to my poor dear husband, such as when giving him his bath they didn't wash his privates (as we call them).  He has a catheter in and has to stay clean there. They also almost dropped him twice and lifted under his arms even after he told them how much it hurt.  The next time they washed his face after the washed his behind.  He explained it was ok since they used my wash cloth to wash his behind.  Then they used a dirty brown towel to dry him.  Yes he has a clean one yes I pointed it out to them.  I told them blue.  Dan said maybe they are color blind!  They almost dropped him twice.  Then the last two from Friday- I wouldn't let him bath him since they hurt him and did all kinds of weird things.  So all they had to do was bring him downstairs.  Just pick him up and pivot, twice.  Not that hard but I had to catch him! Sheesh! They don't take good enough care of my man.  Not sure what I am going to do about it! I sure hope Ruby is back this week or I am back to doing everything myself!
     As I am changing so is my hubby.  He is short tempered now.  My sweet man who never raised a voice yells at me now.   He has phantom pains and phantom feelings.  Sometimes he feels a bug on his face but there is nothing there. He will say that his foot hurts and then that it doesn't he doesn't know what I am talking about.   He complains all the time of his tailbone hurting or his back hurting.  They take turns hurting but I think they really do since his back hurt before all this and with all his sitting I am sure his tailbone hurts now.  He thinks of ways that he can die.  Such as the other night as we are getting ready for bed, which is an exhausting task. He comments that if I leave the room while he is sleeping and he is wearing his bi-pap that he could vomit and choke to death. He was really concerned about this.  So I laid there waiting for a problem since I assumed he must be feeling nauseas or something.  Since he never throws up.  But nope it was just a passing thought for him.  Something for him to worry about.  Then there is the day a week or so ago where I put him on the toilet and didn't come by in 15 minutes so he started to panic (he had told me to come back in an hour and I came back in 20 not an hour!) and he came unglued.  When I got in there he was sweating and screaming, like a 2 year old throwing a really big temper tantrum.  He wanted off that toilet now and didn't want to wait not even to wipe.  So he has to wait a minute while we wiped.  But he was mad.  BTW: Dan used to never get mad.  So now when he is in the bathroom I have to sit in our bedroom and wait for him to poo.  Sheesh!  I used to love to watch TV but I don't have time to now and when I would usually watch I am now sitting on my bed waiting for him to poo or for fear of him waking up and not finding me there and getting scared. When this all began he had in his mind what he wanted to happen.  HE wanted comfort care only.  Now the fear has gotten the better of him and changed his mind in many ways.  We filled out a DNR a month or so ago and now he is not sure he wants it so we took it out of his hospice folder and put it aside until he decides.  He can't decide if he wants machines hooked to him so we are waiting on an advance directive.  One thing he has decided is I am a terrible wheel chair driver and I am pretty sure he is sticking with that one.  Here is a few pictures from the last couple of months
This is Dan with our great nephew who came to visit us.

This is Dan with our boys back in June

This is me and Dan

This is us with our kids

This is Dan and I with our grandchildren

No comments:

Post a Comment