I will call you back

It was a really hard week! I know I say that a lot but it is always true.  But Thursday was a down day for us.  Nothing bad happened and that is the best news I could ever give. I do about 3 hours of Nursing for my sweet husband every day.  An hour in the morning and 2 at night.  I can now do everything from give a shot to clean a catheter bag (after changing it out of course!),  My life is not fun but it is necessary.  There are so many things that I used to love to do that I no longer have time for.  There are so many things I want to have time to do but no longer do.  That is including returning phone calls.  I tell people I will call you back with the answer but I never do.  I will call you back after I get Dan settled but I never do (get Dan settled and call them back). But I don't.  I didn't realize this until a couple of nights ago.  I laid down to go to bed totally exhausted and it was midnight.  As I was in that gap between total exhaustion and sleep I realized that I hadn't called anyone back in weeks.  I just don't have the time and I honestly forget.  My brain is full of all the things I need to do.  Many of which I am not qualified for but have had my 5 minutes of training so I am supposed to know how to do it.  These days I am so tired that I am doing everything automatically.  As the day is finished I have to ask Dan what I had forgotten to do this time.  Most nights there is nothing but some nights there is something.  Dan can't talk anymore at least not where anyone can understand him so when he is trying to tell me we both get so frustrated.  It is awful! Dan's muscles are worse.  He can't help at all when we try to move him.  His back won't hold him upright and his neck won't hold his head up.  So to brush his teeth I have to either tilt him back in his recliner or hold his head up with one hand while brushing his teeth with the other.  It makes things really hard.  The other night he had something stuck so I tried picking his teeth which I hate doing but have to do regular.  But since it didn't work I was trying to floss them but he wasn't having any of it so he bite me.  Can you believe that?? Then he said it was my fault that he bite me.  He said I put his head back to far.  But since I barely had it back and his mouth was barely open not sure how it was my fault so I told him no it was his fault since he is an adult! He looked shocked that I had defended myself at all.  I realized that I let him get away with blaming me a lot! I knew then that I should have been defending myself a along.  It is one thing to baby him because he is sick but another to take the blame for everything that was happening.  Everything that happens had become my fault for some reason or another.  He was always laying blame.  Because he is dying I have let it slide.  My brother says we are entertaining in our arguments.  We had never had one before he got sick so we are really not any good at it.  He had never even raised his voice at me. Now he says "you made this happen" Me " what?" Him "I hope I die soon because I know you want me out of your way"  Me "WHAT??"  Then all the sudden I am apologizing and saying how much I love him and how sorry I am about whatever! But I have learned the trick now.  And it took a major one for my eyes to be opened.  I was exhausted when it started and when he got to the part where he knew I wanted him dead.  I said no that at that moment I wished I was.  He didn't even care.  He just went "um" and it stopped there.  Well I have caught on now.  These little arguments are going to go a little differently now.  It also helps that even though he is yelling I can't understand more than 2 words out of 20!  So I may win a couple now.  Who knows??