Friday, November 11, 2016

Now I am the widow

Today is Danny's birthday.  I didn't think I would be writing on here anymore.  But I still want to keep a journal and this is the easiest way.  Plus I am still learning so many things.  First thing I learned was that all these first are hard!!  He died the day before Valentine's day so that day went by in a blur.  The fourth of July wasn't bad.  Mother's day was easy.  But father's day was awful!!  Our wedding anniversary was so hard.  Now I have made it to November which is OUR MONTH.  My birthday was last week, his is this week, our temple anniversary is next week with Thanksgiving the next.  There are a lot of first this month.  It feels so overwhelming! To much at one time and when I think about Christmas it makes me so sad.  Today a lot of our grandkids and kids were here.  It was really nice to be surrounded by love and we shared stories about Dan that we have decided is our new thing to do on his anniversary. 
     One of the things that is driving me crazy is "pity face" People look at me like I am dead too or as if I have an incurable disease.  "poor you, your husband died" "he was such a nice guy"  " what are you going to do now"  " are you dating yet" "You had a happy marriage so you are probably going to marry again soon"  "how are you getting thru" " Are you going to move" How much money do you have coming in now" Do you have insurance"  " how can you afford this/that" There is so many questions I have been asked.  Here are my answers "yes, he did" "yes, he was" "I have no idea what I am supposed to do now" "NO, I am not" "NO, I am not" "One day at a time" "I don't know" Enough, not really but it is no one elses business!" "yes, I do - health (from when he was in the military) dental and vision and life I have gotten since he died"  "I save for everything I need"  But I really want to say "I don't know to everything!!" There is just to many decisions to be made. They tell me that I am the matriarch.  But I have always shared all decision making with Dan.  Every thing we needed to know what to do was decided and done by both of us.  I made the decisions that every military wife has to when her husband to go and be gone for any length of time.  But it is not the same as making every decisions for months at a time.  It is not the same as not being able to pick up the phone and call your husband and talk it out until you could figure out what to do.  They say cooler heads will prevail.  But Dan was the cooler head.  When I was mad he talked me down.  Of course I did the same for him that is why two parents are always the best.  I still don't know what I am going to do without him but I am learning more every day and it really does get easier.  I know this because I don't cry every moment of every day any more. And that is an improvement!

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