Monday, February 22, 2016

My last post

This will be my last post.  My dear sweet husband passed away last Saturday 13 Feb 2016.  It was awful near the end. But the end was peaceful as he deserved. I am not sure how the next few years will go but until we are together again I will be okay.  He is now safe with a Father in Heaven who loves him as much if not more than I do.  The worst part was the last day.  Seeing him the last time, watching as they closed the casket, the full military honors was sweet but I cried so hard.  When they played taps my heart just broke.  He was buried on 20 Feb 2016.  That day will never leave my mind and I am sure will break my heart every year for years to come.  Yes, I know he is in a better place.  Yes, I still love him so much it hurts but I loved him enough to let him go and to promise him that I would be okay.  And I will honor that promise to the best of my abilities until the day we are together again. They tell me that this complete exhaustion that I feel is normal and part of the grieving process.  That the holidays will be the worst and to keep myself busy.  I have been busy for 18 months.  I just want to rest now.  I don't want to be in charge of anything, I don't want to be needed, I just want to mourn my dear sweet husband in my own way.  I would love to cover my head with a cover in our bed and to never get out.  I would love to never hear anyone call me "his widow" again.  I don't want to take his name off my checking account (but they tell me I have to) I don't want to see his death certificate but everyone wants a copy of it.  There are so many things I don't want to do but I will because I promised him "I will be okay" So that is my mantra for now "I am okay" and I will continue to tell myself this until it is true.   It may be next month or next year but there is some time in the future that I will be okay with all this.  I will never like it but I will be okay.

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