Saturday, February 6, 2016

I am tired, more tired than I have ever been in my life

As we are nearing the end I can understand why he can only be so sick.  I am tired.  I am so tired I worry that I am forgetting something or not being as careful as I should be.  I am so tired that I often think that if I could sleep thru just one night I would be in Heaven.  Just one.  I hear new moms complaining about their baby waking them up every 2 hours all night.  I would love to sleep for 2 hours at a time.  But nope it is not to be.  He moans and groans all night.  One night I didn't sleep at all because I could see thru our monitor (I got a baby monitor where I can see and hear him) that he was turning his head to and fro as if in incredible pain.  But when I asked him the next day he said no that he wasn't hurting at all.  I think his pain tolerance is really high and his pain just doesn't wake him.  I am sitting here at 1 am listening to him moan/talk/sing.  I am not sure what the noise is supposed to be but it is a new one so I am scared it is bad.  I go to bed between 2 and 3 most days because he calms down some by then.  Then he wakes up during the night and then I finally get to hard sleep by about 7, you know when most people are getting up.  Sometimes I sleep on the couch the last couple of hours while he "watches" me.  He sleeps better when I am close and I get more sleep that way but the couch is so bad on my back.  To top it off I still have a cough so when I lay down I cough and cough.  Then that wakes me up.  So basically I am not sleeping good at all.  Last night I convinced Dan to take some pain medicine thinking that he would sleep better if he wasn't hurting and he did but then he wanted to sleep all day (which he does most days now anyway) but he refused to take it again tonight because he wants to go to church tomorrow.  So I gave him a bath tonight thinking he would sleep better but that is not to be because here I sit still listening to him. Tonight before he would calm down I had to look at his butt cheek.  He was sure there was something wrong with it.  The only thing wrong was that he had sat on the toilet to long so it had part of a red circle on it.  But I will have to keep an eye on it for a couple of days to make sure a bed sore doesn't become of it.  There are so many things to watch our for and do every day.  Day in and day out it is exhausting.  I can understand the other wives whose husbands have/ had ALS saying that they were exhausted by the end.  Because Jeff and I are both so tired.  Other people come in and seem to be bubbling with energy and I have to wonder I am just so tired that they just seem to bubble or have I changed so much that I have lost mine so theirs just seems so LARGE!  But they all seem to have waterfalls of energy and I feel like mine is a pond, never moving just going stale.  Well, I learned new stuff this week but I am just to tired to type more.  So have a great week and remember no matter what God knows who we are and loves us.  He knows my name and my needs and He thinks I can do this so I know I can.  I just have to face it one day at a time.

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