Sunday, November 20, 2016

what I thought I knew vs what I know

I thought I was pretty smart.  I thought I was prepared.  I thought I was going to have enough money.  I thought that his pension would last me until SS started (turns out I have to wait until I am 62 which is 7 years from now).  I thought I was strong.  I thought I could handle anything I was a military wife for over 20 years.  I thought I had a handle on life.  I was so wrong!! I am not any of this.  I have had my eyes opened so widely.  I am not as smart as I thought I was, I was not as prepared to be this alone, I have some money but I don't know that it is going to last (probably not), His pension is nice but living on a thousand dollars a month is HARD.  Not only do I not have a handle on life I go days at a time where getting out of bed is so hard that I don't think I can do it one more day every day! Handling things alone was hard but I knew I could pick up the phone and the conversation would go something like this "honey something happened today (or the school called or whatever) and I need to talk to you and bounce some ideas off you" so I would tell him what happened and he would talk me down from my high horse and bring me back to my nice self.  Then we would figure out what to do and I would have to carry it out alone.  But I had someone to talk to, sounds off with, bounce ideas off of and I am lacking that now.  Some days I feel so small and many days I feel so alone.  I cry so easy now.  I had promised Dan I would be okay but I am not okay and some days I don't ever think I will be again.  These days I am just holding on and that is all I can do.  It is not easy being a widow and I don't wish it on anyone.  I read and study my scriptures regular and pray regular which should bring me back to me again one day but I don't think it will be any day soon.

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