Monday, December 7, 2015

I want my life back

Yes I know this title seems selfish.  But I want to wake in the morning to hear Dan singing in the bathroom because he forgot he is home and not in a hotel in some other country.  I want to hear him whistling a happy tune as he is doing service for someone who stopped by because they needed something.  I want to walk along holding hands with my sweet husband while he looks over at me and smiles.  I want the bathroom door to open and the smell of MAN to come out.  I want to shave ( I do a terrible job and he is so good at it).  I want to sit in the quiet of my house with the smell of supper cooking while I wait for Danny to come home.  I want the things that we put off for later to be able to do.  I want the vacations we were going to take when we got older.  I want old age with a husband who loves me.  I want the Danny of old.  But that is not to be.  And I am sad about that.  But I still love Dan with all my heart.  I wouldn't trade every day together for anything.  I want every day I can with Dan.  I thank Heavenly Father every night for letting us have one more day together.  I am blessed and I know that but I sure would have enjoyed old age with Dan by my side. 
      Dan has run fever the last two nights and I thought I was paranoid before but I sure am now.  If I walk out of the room for anything I am scared to walk back in for fear that Dan is dead on the other side of that door.  Now I am terrified! I hate it when he feels bad.  But when he is sick it is so scary!! Every time we face something new it is just terrifying.  But we face it and get him well.  So we washed him and cooled him off, then gave him some aleeve.  And waited and waited.  Finally his fever broke and all I could feel was relief, a deep Ahhhh.  We had made it past another scare.  Then the next night it came back and we went thru it all over again.  Today he is looking good so we are praying that we are thru with that.  But I sure wonder why?? But that is part of ALS wondering what is coming next and why and how are we getting past it.  What do we need to do to keep Dan alive and well.  Every day a new adventure.

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