Wednesday, June 17, 2015

This is hard

As I sat last night and cried I thought I just can't do this anymore.  I knew it was going to be hard.  I had not lied to myself that this would be easy.  I knew that there were going to be tears, my dear sweet husband was dying.  But I never knew that I could be so tired.  I am exhausted! My day goes something like this- get him up, get the urinal, get him dressed, get his breakfast, get his medicine, sit with him (he gets offended if I don't because he thinks I don't want to be with him anymore), get the urinal, get tired of the TV being so loud, so I go to my room to take a nap, only to wake to his needs having multiplied because I wasn't there for an hour. Get the urinal, (btw: I am dumping it in the upstairs bathroom since our downstairs one isn't finished yet), Feed him again, rest for an hour then take him upstairs, put him on the toilet, wait an hour, get him off, wipe his bum (praying that he can poo today or he will start to hurt which I don't want), 2 or 3 days a week I give him a shower (using a transfer bench).  Somewhere in here I try to get him shaved, trim his hair (around his ears, in his ears, nose), clip his nails(fingers and toes).  I think you get the idea! Never do I sit alone and just be.  The other night all I could think was I just want to be his wife again.  I don't feel like his wife anymore because I am doing all these things for him that is more caretaker.  I miss being his wife! Then last night we got into the whole, he doesn't want CPR if anything happens.  We have discussed it before but now he is laying the blame on "I just want to get out of your way"  Where did that come from? Yes, I am tired but I don't want him gone, I love that husband of mine! Yes, I am tired and yes, this is hard but I agreed to in sickness and in health.  This is hard for him, too.  Sometimes he gets tired too.  I sure will be glad when the CNA starts so I can be his wife and just love him!

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