CPAP vs BiPap

     Dan used his BiPap for a short time.  He was using the one called a Trilology (sp?).  He really didn't like it but I made him give it a honest try.  He used it for a month or so and then refused one night.  He said no that he didn't want it anymore.  He was scared when he wore it that he would throw up and choke to death.  It also made him feel like he was suffocating.  He didn't like anything about it.  He said he would use his Cpap but never his Bipap again.  Well the only other thing he has totally refused was morphine.  He really didn't like how it made him feel and he made me promise to never give it to him again.  So when he refused the BiPap I didn't complain.  I explained to his hospice nurses how he felt and told them I wouldn't make him use it again.  I never want him to be afraid.  Now for this weeks problem- He can't turn it on any more.  You have to breathe and then it will automatically turn itself on.  He doesn't have enough breath to do that anymore.  So now I always give him a chance but he couldn't do it all week so I guess that is gone now.  
     He also can't get his mouth open enough to brush his teeth. So I use a sponge to get his mouth as clean as I can.  And then his lips are so dry the skin peels off or at least that is what it looks like so we use a sugar and a few drops of water to make a paste and then I use it to get all the old dry skin off.  So that it doesn't bother him.
     His skin is breaking down, too.  So we are working with bad elbows, heels and tailbone.  The hospice nurses have ordered us some new sheepskin heel covers, and some elbow covers.  They will hopefully help some.  I worry with him having so many sores on him.  But I am doing the best I can to keep the ones with holes doctored with antibiotic cream and bandaides.  And the ones that are not holes yet we keep skin protectant on.  It seems like things are happening so fast but he is still alive so I will keep doing my best for him and pray it is enough.
     We had a talk this week in which I assured him that I was going to be okay.  That he didn't need to worry about me.  I wanted him to relax and not worry about anything.  When it is his time to go I want him to go peacefully.  Everything I have read says that it makes a difference.  I will never want him to be in pain and I will never put myself before him.  I want the best for him so I want him to be okay no matter what.  The biggest lesson I learned was that we have to put others first.  If you love someone they should come first before all else.  I would never put my wants before his.  Love really is unselfish! Or at least the love we feel is!

This is Dan the day before Christmas.  He was watching us all play and watching me play with the grandkids.  I felt bad but he said it was okay that he just enjoyed watching me be happy.  He also says that with food.  We all feel bad eating in front of him but he said our enjoyment with food was enough for him.  If we wanted to we could join him for a can of Levity.  But that stuff doesn't smell like anything I would want to put in my mouth! Not that he didn't taste it first because he did.  Long before that was all he got to eat.  He said it wasn't bad, it is mostly corn products and that was his favorite food so maybe it is not that bad?