Sunday, November 20, 2016

what I thought I knew vs what I know

I thought I was pretty smart.  I thought I was prepared.  I thought I was going to have enough money.  I thought that his pension would last me until SS started (turns out I have to wait until I am 62 which is 7 years from now).  I thought I was strong.  I thought I could handle anything I was a military wife for over 20 years.  I thought I had a handle on life.  I was so wrong!! I am not any of this.  I have had my eyes opened so widely.  I am not as smart as I thought I was, I was not as prepared to be this alone, I have some money but I don't know that it is going to last (probably not), His pension is nice but living on a thousand dollars a month is HARD.  Not only do I not have a handle on life I go days at a time where getting out of bed is so hard that I don't think I can do it one more day every day! Handling things alone was hard but I knew I could pick up the phone and the conversation would go something like this "honey something happened today (or the school called or whatever) and I need to talk to you and bounce some ideas off you" so I would tell him what happened and he would talk me down from my high horse and bring me back to my nice self.  Then we would figure out what to do and I would have to carry it out alone.  But I had someone to talk to, sounds off with, bounce ideas off of and I am lacking that now.  Some days I feel so small and many days I feel so alone.  I cry so easy now.  I had promised Dan I would be okay but I am not okay and some days I don't ever think I will be again.  These days I am just holding on and that is all I can do.  It is not easy being a widow and I don't wish it on anyone.  I read and study my scriptures regular and pray regular which should bring me back to me again one day but I don't think it will be any day soon.

Friday, November 11, 2016

Now I am the widow

Today is Danny's birthday.  I didn't think I would be writing on here anymore.  But I still want to keep a journal and this is the easiest way.  Plus I am still learning so many things.  First thing I learned was that all these first are hard!!  He died the day before Valentine's day so that day went by in a blur.  The fourth of July wasn't bad.  Mother's day was easy.  But father's day was awful!!  Our wedding anniversary was so hard.  Now I have made it to November which is OUR MONTH.  My birthday was last week, his is this week, our temple anniversary is next week with Thanksgiving the next.  There are a lot of first this month.  It feels so overwhelming! To much at one time and when I think about Christmas it makes me so sad.  Today a lot of our grandkids and kids were here.  It was really nice to be surrounded by love and we shared stories about Dan that we have decided is our new thing to do on his anniversary. 
     One of the things that is driving me crazy is "pity face" People look at me like I am dead too or as if I have an incurable disease.  "poor you, your husband died" "he was such a nice guy"  " what are you going to do now"  " are you dating yet" "You had a happy marriage so you are probably going to marry again soon"  "how are you getting thru" " Are you going to move" How much money do you have coming in now" Do you have insurance"  " how can you afford this/that" There is so many questions I have been asked.  Here are my answers "yes, he did" "yes, he was" "I have no idea what I am supposed to do now" "NO, I am not" "NO, I am not" "One day at a time" "I don't know" Enough, not really but it is no one elses business!" "yes, I do - health (from when he was in the military) dental and vision and life I have gotten since he died"  "I save for everything I need"  But I really want to say "I don't know to everything!!" There is just to many decisions to be made. They tell me that I am the matriarch.  But I have always shared all decision making with Dan.  Every thing we needed to know what to do was decided and done by both of us.  I made the decisions that every military wife has to when her husband to go and be gone for any length of time.  But it is not the same as making every decisions for months at a time.  It is not the same as not being able to pick up the phone and call your husband and talk it out until you could figure out what to do.  They say cooler heads will prevail.  But Dan was the cooler head.  When I was mad he talked me down.  Of course I did the same for him that is why two parents are always the best.  I still don't know what I am going to do without him but I am learning more every day and it really does get easier.  I know this because I don't cry every moment of every day any more. And that is an improvement!