Sunday, October 4, 2015

Not sure

When I first started this blog I had so much to say.  These days I have gotten so quiet.  You need to understand this is just not me.  I can go hours without saying a word in a room full of people.  As he gets quieter I am getting quieter too.  As I sat and watched General Conference today they spoke on the 3 apostles who had died and the strength they saw in two of their wives (one wife is already passed on).  I really stated thinking am I going to be that strong when it is Dan.  Am I going to truly be okay or am I going to be tired and bitter.  Will I spend all my time alone or will I get out and make friends, take a class, go to church? What am I going to be like? All I have ever been is Dan's wife.  I find myself getting so sad.  I started taking depression/stress medicine over a week ago.  I am not sure it is helping because I am so introspective today.  My biggest fear is will I feel like I didn't do something just right? Or if I had tried one more thing would it have worked? What about if I had talked him into going off those clinical trials would he have lived one more month/week/day? Will I have so much guilt that it will wipe me out? Or will my inner strength come thru and make me strong.  Will the strength that got me thru all those years of raising my kids while Dan worked crazy hours or while he was TDY or while he was out of town.  Will my faith sustain me? Will it make me whole? I am just not sure what will become of me or my family.  So I pray every day for courage and strength but will it be enough.  I don't know but as he gets sicker I pray harder.  I pray that I am making the right choices, that this is God's will, and that Dan is happy.  There is not much else I can do right now but pray it is enough.

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