Here we are again

So here we are.  It has been a tough couple of weeks and I got a bit down last week.  I try not to because it makes things harder for us all.  I haven't been able to help as much since I have been sick.  But tomorrow is my procedure and hopefully the doctors will figure some things out and I will be back to work, helping Dan again.  He is a lot weaker, has a really hard time talking because he is out of air, and is using more tube feeding than ever.  He uses the tube twice a day and has a milkshake for breakfast.  He loves that part! :)  By the time I get done it is about 1100 calories which is still only half of what they want him to take in.  But I add Carnation instant breakfast, a protein drink, milk and then a lot of ice cream.  He really enjoys it.  I think he misses a regular breakfast but most things won't go down.  He just chokes and chokes.  It is really hard.  A couple of nights ago it sounded like he stopped breathing.  There was a couple of minutes there where I thought he was gone.  It scared me at first and then when we woke up the next morning and he was crying because he hurt so bad I realized that it would be a good thing for him not to have to hurt any more.  I hate that he is in pain and he hurts so bad some days that he shakes with it.  It is so hard, because I am trying as fast as I can to get his pain medicine in but it just doesn't seem fast enough.  So we are having out ups and downs, as usual.  By noon every day he is exhausted  and his speech is really airy.  It is really hard for him to communicate.  Every one keeps looking at me like I know what he is saying but I have no ideal!!  Some times I can get a word here or there but these days he gets frustrated with me but I really am doing the best I can.  I am home from having my procedure done and barely awake and he is already wanting me to get things done for him.  Sheesh! I am so tired but that doesn't stop his needs.  I better get back to work!