Monday, February 20, 2017

a year later

Here I am a year after Danny passed.  I made it thru the first year.  There were tears and moments of self doubt (a lot of them).  But I made it.  Some days I felt like I was falling apart and I often felt like I would never be whole again. The first 3 months I don't remember much. It was more like I was walking around in a fog.  The next 3 I remember a lot of sadness.  The Next 3 I was up and functioning.  And now the first year is over.  I will be honest I didn't think I could live without Danny.  I really thought I would curl up and die without him.  But life moved on and forward we went.  Now I look back and see how much I have grown mentally, physically, and spiritually. I worried that I would let him down, even though he is gone, I had promised him that I would be okay so that has been my goal.  I don't cry much anymore.  Occasionally it will hit me again and I will feel broken for a short time.  I think Dan would be proud of how far I have come.  I think Heavenly Father is proud of me and my faith in him.  A couple of weeks ago our Bishop and Pres. Moore came to see me and before they left I got them to give me a blessing.  Pres. Moore prayed so sweetly for me, I felt the Savior's love and I felt like Dan was there.  Then in my blessing I was told that even though it was going to be hard for the next couple of weeks that Dan would be around and he would be watching over me.  That he was very busy but wanted to be here for me right now.  I was told that God loves me and is aware of my needs.  I was also told that all would be well.  So I am doing great, I am not alone (Thank goodness). 
           So it was not like I wasn't stressed enough but the month proceeding my one year alone mark was topped off by our oldest son (who is 32) have a "stroke" like episode.  That is what the many doctors he saw in the hospital called it.  He was stressed out (I wonder why) and got a migraine.  The migraine got worse and he had a seizure causing his whole left side of his body to stop working.  He spent a few days in the hospital was released and has to see a bunch of doctors.  So every day I "babysit" my son since he couldn't even get across the room alone and he is still prone for seizures.  Then I pick up his first child at the bus, get his next one home from school only to go and pick up the others at daycare.  Then up the stairs he goes (with help).  Then I started supper and he goes and gets a nap since he is now exhausted.  I stick around until his wife gets home from work.  Then we start the whole thing over the next morning.  I guess my point is that my life is still hard but I am making it thru.  Dan is out of pain and I am alone in my endeavors.  My son, Bill is in pain and I am able to help him and they tell us he will get better every day.  Life is hard. It always will be.  We just have to decide if we are going to let it win or are we going to have joy and be okay.  I chose joy.  I look for things to be happy in.  There are many good things in my life and I have found them, such as I have a daughter and a daughter in law both expecting in the next few month.  I could mourn the fact Dan will never get to hold them on this earth or I can have joy that so far they are healthy and I am getting a grandson and a granddaughter.  Their new lives are something to celebrate! Find joy in your life I am sure it is there but you may have to look hard for it but every time you find it will make next time easier!

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