I never thought there would come a day that I didn't love Christmas. A time to celebrate Christ birth. But I would rather skip Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. I am so sad and unhappy right now. I really just want to call it done and not do anything. I am sleeping super good these days, I know this because I sleep all the time! I know that it is not good for me but it is the only time when I am not overwhelmed and sad. Holiday depression has hit in the worst possible way! My kids and I are all struggling. I have a little granddaughter who lives here (with her parents) and so I have a tree up but every time I look at it I see the ornaments that Dan made. It took such patience and work to make them perfect but every year he did it. He was always the last one done and they are so beautiful. I want to just throw them against the wall! But then years from now when I want to show them to others and I want to see them again they wouldn't be here. I am in the Why me stage. Why take my husband? What did I do that he had to suffer so? Then I remember that God is not like that. But it is hard to remember when I am crying or one of my sweet babies are crying. There are so many sad things around me that I want to just get rid of but life is not like that. I will have memories surrounding me no matter what unless I want to knock down my house and have it all hauled away. Life is not like that either. I would still see his smiling face when he came in the door. He was always so happy to be home. I would still see his twinkling eyes when he laughed. I would still picture the joy on his face when he heard a baby cry. I am not sure why that made him so happy but it did. I have all these awesome memories that I can look back on but mostly I see his broken body and hear him cry out in pain those final days. I see his fear when he couldn't take a breath. I see his eyes when his vision was going and I was all he could see or hear when his hearing was going. I know his touch when it was all he hard. When his hand was cupped and I slid mine into the cup and just held on so that he knew someone was there. The days when I watched him breath on a monitor because I knew that one day soon he would stop. I see him having seizures and thinking this is it and seeing him rally and thinking I get one more day with him. That is all I can think, see and feel these days. Not the good things that I was feeling until this holiday hit.
Last week one of my kids asked "wouldn't you love to have Dad back?" I said "No, I wouldn't" they were shocked. I explained. He is in Heaven and healthy and happy. I wouldn't wish him back into a body that betrayed him. He would have to go thru all that suffering again. I wouldn't wish that on an enemy and definitely not on a man I love. I want him to be where he is and having the joy that he is and serving the mission he always wanted to serve. And I definitely don't want to watch him die again. That is the worst thing in the world. Someone recently asked me would I marry again. I can honestly say I see why people would because I am so lonely. Even in a room full of people I feel alone. But unless I can be promised that I wouldn't have to go thru that again with someone else I care about I am not planning to ever marry again.